What If
by XxDeeplyBrokenxX
Summary: Everybody has regrets. AU One-shot. R&R My first fic


What if ?  
I awake from a dream not really remembering it. I groan And roll my neck as I stumble out of bed.I shuffle my way to the kitchen,I turn on the coffee maker and glance at the calender. Great, it's today. I was hoping I'd sleep through it or come down with some exotic deathly disease. Nope I'm up and healthy as a horse, god must really hate me, I take the coffee and pour it into some novelty mug, I can't eat or read the paper or watch the news it's depressing and I'm gloomy enough knowing what's going to happen today. I just stare at the counter top drumming my fingers on it. I sigh and shake my head trying to clear the cobwebs, taking the last swallow of the hot liquid I stand up and set the mug on the side of the sink. I grip the edge of the sink with both hands, wishing that today I could be hollow and numb but no I'm going to end feeling it all, every last crack in my heart. Oh joy. Finally I move slowly walking to the bathroom. I strip my clothes and turn the water on very hot, I step in and let the water run down my tense muscles. I can't stop the tears from forming. Why, why does it have to be this way ? I should've made it better. I'm stupid!! Why Why Why?! I mentally scream at myself, I slam my fist into the shower wall to ease my inner turmoil, it did a little. My breathing is shallow i try to deepen it. I wash up after I get ahold of myself and step out of the shower.

I shake my hair out and wrap a towel around me, I wipe the steam off the mirror and look at myself. My longish brown hair, my petite muscular body and my tired hazel eyes. I look 15 years older then I am, but I guess dying for a year and a half will do that to a person. That's when I found out that's when my heart really started to crumble. The person looking back at me is lifeless, soulless or maybe she just gave up. I go to my bedroom and slide on some boy shorts and dark socks. I'm sitting on the bed staring at the outfit hanging on the back of my door I hang my head a second before grudgingly standing up and and snatching the outfit. Pulling on the black pinstripe slacks and white long sleeve shirt, I groan. It takes me forever to put my up and my make up on but I do it, just the way she likes. I put on the deep blue and black vest. God I'm gonna die. I sigh and look around for the stupid tie. Banging through my dresser I heard a crash, I bent over to see what I broke. It's a picture the glass cracked, I take the picture out of the frame, I remember this. It's of me Carmen and her. I was leaning back on a bed with Carmen laying on my lap her arms holding my body with her eyes closed looking perfectly content. I was looking at Spencer, gazing at her longingly, She was away from Carmen and I but held my hand in hers over her heart staring off into space thinking hard. How could she not've known ? I crumple the picture and toss it in the trash and grab my tie. I stand in front of the mirror and tie the deep blue tie, it takes a few tries and I'm ready to burn it but I got it, guess that means I have to go. I put on the coat and button the two buttons, I look at myself in the mirror. I look good in a tux, whoda thunk ? She insisted I wear this, said I look so hot, I swear to God her words. I haven't worn one since I went to prom with her and Carmen, oh there I go again. I can't think of things like that if I want a chance of making it through today. Lastly I put on the black heels. I begin to trudge my way to the door.

I have the door half locked before I whip it open, run to my room. Take the picture out of the trash and flatten it then set it on the dresser. I'll never forget, not that. I make it to my car and get a sudden flood a memories,when she helped me pick it out. When I taught her how to drive in it,all the time she and all our friends were in it, all the time it was just me and her. God those were the days, now we're all grown up, I never wanted that. My hold on the steering wheel gets tighter and tighter, my knuckle are bone white. Maybe if I drove into a tree I could get out of this, no it would have to kill me. That's the only way to stop me from going, sure I don't want to go. I mean I'd rather eat nails and screws then dunk my head in a vat of boiling acid to finish the job then go but she asked me to, so here I am. I step out of the car and tell my feet to run the other way, they don't listen. I walk closer and see some old friends we didn't really stay close to, they all look good and happy. I take a deep breath and plaster a fake smile on my face, I've become quite good at seeming happy everyone buys it. An old friend from music class patted me on the back I laugh and put him in a headlock, just like old times. I see Carmen and hug her, she looks good. She starts talking about her life, it's great she's happy, she's a mother got some cute kids. Woopdeedoo. I feel my heart and body start to quake, I can't do this it hasn't even started yet and I'm falling apart. I go to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face, I can remember when she asked me to come. I denied time and time again but she looked at me with those big ol' puppy dog eyes. She pleaded "Please Ashley". I couldn't say no to that, she knew that. I crack my knuckles and lick my lips. I can do this, I will do this.

I walk past the corridor, gulp and breathe. I pace back and forth trying to will myself to sit. People are coming in I rub my temples and sit down, right next to her mother whose right in the front. Great. I greet Mrs. Carlin with a peck on the cheek, she was always nice didn't mind me keeping her daughter just a little later then everybody else, even past curfew. I was grateful of her. The pews are filling up fast, won't be long now. What if I ran out now ? The music is starting. What if I run back there and tell her everything ? A little boy is walking down the isle, must be the ring bearer. What if I wasn't too scared before ? Her little sister is coming down, flower girl. What if I never fell in love with her the minute I saw her in 10th ? What if I gave Carmen a real chance really tried to love her ? Maybe I'd have gotten over her and had a life with Carmen. The bridesmaids come out one by one. One. What if I told her I loved her ? Two. What if she loved me back ? Three. What if all the time she asked me what was wrong I told her ? Now the song is starting. What if after graduation i didn't pull away from her ? She is walking down the isle, she's breathtaking with her golden hair flowing down slightly covering her watering bright blue eyes. Her dress is beautiful it's elegant just like her. I can feel my heart constrict in my chest it's so hard to breathe. What if she knew already, that's why she put me in all those positions thru out the years ? She's almost to the alter her gaze meets mine she mouths 'Thank you.' and her tears fall.I mouth 'For you.' my unleashed tears are gonna come I can't hold them back. What if she's crying for the same reason I am ? She meets him they gently hold hands. What if she wants me to stop this that's why she insisted I come ? I'm an idiot. They are saying their vows, my throat is on fire. Why is it this ? I hate myself for this. Her eyes flicker to mine for a second I think I see something in them. Longing ? Love ? No it can't be. I shake my head. What if she just wanted her best and oldest friend to be here ? The minster asked the big question. I love you!! I scream in my head. What if it could have been me she was marrying ? They lean in grinning like fools and kiss. What if is was me, for the rest of my lowly life of pretending I am always going to ask myself... What if ? 


End file.
